Am I that person

In my last post, I said even if I die today, I would have no regret because.... well you can read my last post.

I have all these wonderful people around me. The big question is, am I that person for the people around me? Am I that person my family and friends feel glad to have? Am I that person who made my friends feel that they could count on me to hold their feet if they ever drown in the ocean? Am a mentor others seek for?

I will do better in being that for you.

If I die today, I would have no regrets

I had a thought the other day... If I die today, I would have no regrets

I have the best family anyone alive could ask for

My papa and mama provided me with everything and more

Roof above my head, sturdy four walls, heart warming meals (every single day), ermm... and a hot ride

I have the best mentor, they are my guardian angels

I have the bestest friends, whom will hold my feet when I drown like how Cristina did for Meredith

I live in the best neighborhood, again big thanks to papa and mama

I am very comfortable in my own skin

I love who I am, I am content

I love that I love me more and more each day

I am happy everyday... What more could I ask for?

Leave it and come back later

I found this is especially useful when I'm stuck at somethings. Rather than sitting there scratching my head and feeling miserable & stupid, I would stand up and walk away. Come back later (reasonable amount of time, of course) to solve the scalp scratching problem. :)

I do this for when I'm playing jig saw puzzles as well. Viewing the puzzle from a different angle and height make a big difference!

Long Lonely Journey

I said it the other day

"Certain paths in our lives are meant to be walked alone".

I am okay with walking alone.

No one would understand what I go through sometimes, even if they tried to hear me out. Most of the times, they aren't paid to listen to my problems. Nor are they paid to help me solve my problems. So I get it now, the path to the top could be very lonely. Unless I have a great mentor, which lucky for me, I think I do. :) Yet I can't rely on my mentor all the time, I could only go to that person when I absolutely need it.

On the brighter side of this note is, I will get better in what I do. There is only one way, UP.

I saw a quote from Jamie today, "breakdowns are prequels to breakthroughs", after what happened today, I am a firm believer of this quote.

These Three Words

Its an open love letter to you, my love.


The night I met you for the first time
It feels like a dream sometime
This dream tho it is so real
Each and every senses of mine is oh so fulfilled

The evening I met you for the second time
It feels less like a dream
It felt more like
Finally get to see you after a decade of hoping and wishing

Whenever you speak you
Chose your words wisely
That's only one of the many qualities I love about you

Whenever you lay your hands on my warm skin
I feel like my world can only get better from here
That's definitely only one of the many things you do for me that I love

I may never love again
Like how I love you
May it be in Chi town or in paradise
I love you the same

The minutes and the seconds I got to spend with you
I cherish
I revisit
I yearn to relive

But over the years
I have learned a great deal about letting go
I have learned a great deal about loving you a different way
Oh I don't want to let go
Oh I want to keep learnin'

Like I always say...
Life as such

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I named it "These Three Words" is because it is the song that was playing in the background when I heard the most moving and encouraging voice message that inspired this letter.

Fixation

By getting rid of my online games, I am in a big away, getting rid of my fixation as well. These fixation are hindering me from dealing with the real problems. It was so easy to migrate my mind and my focus onto games, as soon as my mind detects the presence of an issue.

My dad once asked me, what is the reason behind spending time on online games. I told my dad without a shadow of a doubt that, it is for relaxation. My dad did not pursue further.

But really? For relaxation and de-stress? A big fat lie I told myself. It takes more courage to face the real world with real issues than picking vegetables from virtual farm plots.

I am not against those games. Just that I have to stop, for me. Because it has gotten to a point where I almost arrange my day around those stupid games. lol. Until I told myself to snap out of it! I am in charge of my life, not the games.

*This is a picture of my sister and my brother. They make me happy, I am grateful for them being in my life! =D

Say goodbye to Cityville.

What would we be without goals, big or small. Goals, beside being goals, could also be like milestones for some of us.

I am into facebook online games, like Restaurant City and Cityville, and Empire Avenue (you get to buy and sell your friends). These games, in order to pull you in and make you keep playing them, they keep giving you missions and goals to accomplish. You could really get sucked into these games... :) I am one of them. But few days ago, I started feeling tired of it, what is the purpose of me fulfilling these "virtual" goals when I can make and achieve real goals in real life?! So I have decided to quit playing.

Without goals in life, we would be living our lives blindly and just living through motions... And one day we realized we are about to leave this earth and we hadn't done anything meaningful or at least meaningful in our own terms.

I know what I wanted to express is more than these few words here but I don't have the vocab to elaborate 'em further. It is how I feel at that moment, that is still so profound to me.

What can I do for you?

That would be what I said after I answered a call with "Hello", I can't help it. Or if I didn't say that, it would be "How may I help you?". Even if its a phone call from family or friends. As if when they call me, is to ask for help or something. I caught myself doing so a while now... I don't know if they feel offended? I don't know if I'm coming off as "hurry up and say what you're calling me for" "rude" "impatient" etc. Shucks! Like tonight, my mother called, asking me where I'm at and what not, I asked her what can I do for you. Turns out, she did wanted me to get some snacks for my sister. Haha.

I really can't help it.

With my line of work as Customer Service, that's all I do. Asking whoever that we've come across at work, how may I help? What can I do? My brain doesn't differentiate between a work phone and a cellphone. Heck! Even some work related people be calling up my cell. lol.

This being said, I sometimes feel that my sole purpose on this earth is to 'serve', if you will, not in the holy or godly kind. But serving nonetheless. I don't even know if they are related: the way I answered my phone calls and 'serving'.

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Saw a comment today. It says, and I quote "I'm not God, but I can tell you we weren't put here on earth to sit behind a desk."

At first, this jumps out at me as a very cocky comment. I am a little offended coz I AM working a "behind the desk" kinda job. The more I think about it, I got even more upset. Simply because the person who says this may have a luxurious life that most people don't. Like me, I do not have the luxury to not work, and just so happened I chose the "behind the desk" kind. Seriously, if it weren't for the "behind the desk" people, the world might not be functioning the way it is right now. It could be better, or the world could be not functioning at all! Who knows! Kay, let's explore further, say bank, bank teller is "behind the desk" yes? So without them, most of the work can't be done. Oh, btw, the CIMB bank branch in The Gardens, I am forever grateful for them, they open on Saturday AND Sunday!!! Say street cleaner, not literally "behind the desk' but the idea is the same. Without them, we WON'T have cleaner, more tolerable streets. Say delivery guys, without them, will the stuff that you ordered from outside of the country miraculously appears on your door step? No. Say WIC, my previous job, I was a Nutritionist, I see less fortunate, lower income group of women and I distribute food coupons for them to get some free food, and free formula for infants. That was a "behind the desk" kinda job, but without us at WIC, a lot of women and infants might be starving. I've seen so many sad cases, WIC is not a long term solution, but we are great helping hands even if its just for a little while...

FYI, "behind the desk" people aren't stupid people. We simply choose a different path. Also things might change for us down the road, everything is about timing right?

I could go on and on about it. In the end, I still think that comment is fucking obnoxious, cocky and rude. Don't like what I said? Y'all kiss my ass for all I care.

Like a flip of a switch

Woke up this morning thinking its a Saturday. After about 3 minutes, I realized, NO IT AIN'T! Grrrr. This morning is beautiful, the temperature is lower than usual from the all nighter-rain. Uh huh. Who would wanna get outta bed? =)

So I got up late, while I was having breakfast, there was that annoying conversation that I could not avoid listening to. Wishing I could blink my eyes and I am somewhere peaceful. I hurried finished my breakfast, down my coffee and left home. Was thinking to myself, I need to get out of this funk mode because its a Monday and a long way to go til 730pm. What's a better voice to do it than my own? I made the corners of my lips curve upwards, put some sparkle in my eyes. Sure enough my mood changed instantaneously. and I am forever grateful for the ability to make myself happy.

I truly believe everyone has that ability as well, we just need to polish it up with practice. Always start small and light, eventually, we'll be able to deal with the "bigger stuff" with POISE.

When is it good enough?

I miss the states, this would be an understatement.

I was driving to work this morning and it dawn on me, I haven't been fair to the people who loves me. By me complaining, in a way, means they aren't good enough for me, this place isn't good enough for me. But who am I to complain? Am I good enough for my love ones? Am I contributing to my society? I really haven't been walking with my feet on the ground.

I'm back!

Err let's see my last post was in June 2010!? I've cheated on blogging with facebook, fb games and TWITTER! But we'll see how long I could blog from now on.

A lot had happened between June 2011 and May 2011 (bejesus, its been almost one full year). I got a new job, held it for only 4 months, and I went back to my old job. It's really insane. But I came back with a new perspective and a new goal. Feeling more content than ever. I've also turned 28 in January, it's probably one of the best things in life. Love bein 28, I am more focused, happier, working hard on self. And surrounding myself with positive people and positive thoughts. I can't explain how great this all feels.

An amazin event took place just two days ago, I wrote an email to Rina to apologize, she wrote back!!! And we've exchanged about 3 4 mails since. :D I am practicing the whole forgiveness thing, I am so on it!! I gotta forgive those who has hurt me in the past, I have to ask for forgiveness from people whom I might hurt before, lastly, I have to forgive myself. I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm on it!

Btw, Randy Gage freakin' ROCKS! Check out his blog and also check out his prosperity videos on YouTube peeps.

<3

Dream sequel

Last night, I had another dream about me in Bangkok -_- Could it be over, soon?
I don't know, I truly believe that my brainwave is still channeling that buddha temple that I don't get to visit. Pffff. It was a bright and shiny day in Bangkok, the sky was so blue. I passed by the temple, I saw a gold plated, huge buddha statue. Instantaneously, calm and peace took over my feelings, it felt good, and in reality, my day went by calmly as well. What are the odds?

I *heart* buddha

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I am still in the process of learning to let go of certain things. I believe this will be my life long lesson.
I love the smell of peppermint, rosemary and cypress...
Son by Four is on repeat on my playlist all day. Speaking of playlist, before iPod existed, 'playlist' doesn't exist, at least not in my dictionary. There are only about 4 songs. But I didn't get tired listening to them. They put me in this very nice state of mind.
Few nights ago, when I was half asleep, all these thoughts came into my mind, something I wanna blog about. As you can see, I couldn't remember any of it! lol That's why I am doing the rambling thing.

Dark, damp and disturbed

That's where I'm at. Again. It'll usually take a couple of days for me to come out of it.
It doesn't help that I saw Public Enemies a few days ago and I'm watching The Lake House now. They both have one thing in common, they were both set in Illinois, mainly Chicago too.
Man I miss it so much, the brutal winter, but I still love it. Chicago is a city full of magic, landscape, buildings, the city grids, really really white thick fluffy snow (before they plow it into a pile of ice), Union Station, Fitness Center that faces the river. and so much more.
Sometimes, I couldn't answer myself why I left Chicago. Sorry lemme rephrase it, Why the hell did I left Chicago.
Will it help if I stop watching The Lake House now? no.
I just wish I explored more when I was there. Going picture crazy like I did now. There isn't any turn back time right?
Oh and also, my favorite grocery store. Shopping at 1 in the morning :)
And Panera bread.
And the fake chinese take out.

Yea, I want to remember my favorite city that way.

JKT-KL-BKK-KL-JKT-KL all in 10 days.

It's been more than a week since I came home from traveling. This time around my traveling didn't involved packing up bikinis and sun screen, which I'd miss so much of it.

I started my journey May 11th to Jakarta, May 13th to KL, May 14th to Bangkok, May 16th to KL, May 17th back to Jakarta and finally home bound on May 20th. The hours that I had in KL was only to repack, two hours of sleep, and boom I'm on my way to the airport.

I had nightmares on several occasions since I came home. Once was about, I came back from traveling, went to the office, and my boss asked me, why are you here? Weren't you suppose to be 'somewhere'. I was thinking to myself, WHAT? I JUST came back and I hadn't have time to unpack and repack. This shit is crazy. In another dream, I arrived somewhere, took a cab and got to the hotel, only to realized, I DID NOT pick up my luggage from the airport!!!! Now just freakin great. Work is about to start and I have no change of clothes. Geeez.

Yes, I love traveling, lots and lots of traveling. But never once, did I not have enough resting time in between destinations.
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Jakarta is... insane, esp the traffic. There are like 20 over million population in just on city! It took me on average 1.5hr to get from one point to another. I kept thinking, why on earth are there so so so many cars in this city? But then I realized, DUH, try to jam ALL the cars in Malaysia in ONE city, that's what you get. INSANE TRAFFIC. Because if I'm not mistaken, Malaysia's population is 28 over million and in metro Jakarta alone is about 24 over million ppl. So yea. The rush hour in Jakarta lasts til about 9pm. lol. On my last night of my second trip in Jakarta, some coworkers took me out for dinner, the traffic was so bad, they suggested that we take 'ojek', I was like HELL NO, I ain't taking that, I'll like fall off and die. And they said, if we took 'ojek' it'll take like 3 mins for us to get to the mall, if we take a cab, it could take up to an hour. I said, I'd rather walk there! So sure enough, we started walking and it only take about 30mins to get to the dinner place. =) Yea, I was quite stubborn. lol I enjoyed it so much, I wouldn't have been able to walk the streets of Jakarta if there weren't any locals to do it with me. =) Very very stoked!

So like another thing about Jakarta that is truly interesting. In the city there is a highway, only cars with 3 passengers and above could take the route during certain hours. So during that certain hours, you will see people lining up alongside of the road, these ppl will actually get into your car IF you needed enough head count to use the highway. LOL. Like you have to PAY them to sit in your car through the highway. I couldn't believe my eyes and my ears when I learn that. I'd be damn happy if cab drivers would pay me to take me into KL.

Oh oh one more thing, so you probably already know Jakarta's traffic is insane (coz I kept talking about it). So like I rarely see traffic police directing traffic ya, what I saw was bunch of ppl "dedicated" themselves into doing just that. For example, in a T-junction, normally we would wait for our turn to cross the road or whatever right? In Jakarta, these ppl will help you to "stop" the coming traffic, and let you pass or go across or whatever. You're like ok, that's cool. BUT, the truth is, you have to pay these dedicated ppl some coins. LOL. That also happens, when you wanna use a short cut in the 'back alley'. It is totally mind blowing to me, how these guys are making a living. Well, you can choose not to pay them but really? Your car might get damaged or something. Nobody wants to take that chance.

Manila's traffic is crazy too, but I ain't see nothing yet until I saw Jakarta's traffic.
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Bangkok is cool. I been there once (for work), but I don't think I'll go back again. They like put fish sauce in all the dishes!!!!! Everywhere I go that all I could smell. One thing though, I didn't get to check out some temples. Bummer. Coz Temple makes me feel how insignificant I am, also, makes me feel content and calm. I *heart* temples, esp Buddhist temples =)
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All and all, it was a great experience, visiting my neighboring countries. I was fascinated by the vast differences we have in our culture and language even though, our countries are so close by on the map. ;)


p.s. If you ever have to go to Jakarta, the cab company that is trust worthy would be BlueBird Taxi. Please beware that not all BlueBirds are made the same.

Lines from The Angel's Game

So far these are my favorite lines from my currently favorite read.

- "I was beginning to consume more coffee and cigarettes than oxygen".
- "'Do you know the best thing about broken hearts?' the librarian asked.
I shook my head.
'They can only be broken once. The rest is just scratches'"
- ".... I took one of them (cigars) and lit it. It had an intense flavor that seemed to hold all the aromas and poisons a man could wish for in order to die in peace."

Esp the second one, almost brought me into tears. Because I couldn't agree more. I mean think about it...

Today's Earth Friendly Tips (4/21/10)

Today’s Earth Friendly Tips (added)

• Buy your fruits and vegetables from a local farmers market.
• If you change your font to Century Gothic you save up to 30% of your ink.
• Use reusable bags when shopping.
• Build up green awareness at your school or company.
• Use reusable glasses/mugs at school or work.
• Plant a tree(s) and alleviate the “Greenhouse Effect”
• Use eco-friendly cleaning supplies.
• Go paperless! If every U.S. household switched to viewing bills online 16.5 million trees would be saved.
• Use fluorescent light bulbs instead of incandescent.
• Remove your name from catalog and junk mail lists.

Yin Yang, & Balance

People said it is better to have just enough- not too much, not too little.
I wonder, does this apply to my feelings towards my job? I have been having a love/hate relationship with it.
I could hate it so much because it made me do things I normally wouldn't.
I could love it so much because it made me push myself beyond the limit, it made me read what I love again, picking up my nutrition text books.
I could love & hate it because it made me deal so much with human beings.
Will this unique relationship get me through another 2 years here?

Will yin yang creates balance in my situation?

Today's Earth Friendly Tips

Today’s Earth Friendly Tips

• Find and purchase products that use less packaging.
• Carpool, use public transportation, walk or bike to work or school.
• Use less water – take a shower instead of a bath, turn off water while brushing your teeth.
• Unplug appliances such as toasters, microwaves, even your phone charger when not in use to save energy.
• Re-program your thermostat a few degrees in the summer and winter (up for air conditioning, down for heating)

Logged into Myspace today and saw this. =)
Pretty cool eh? I will follow at least 4 of the above.

Crazy alert

Thoughts in my head that I didn't have time to link em together yet.
- I don't wanna put my "life" on hold because of someone or something.
- I want to take risks and have fun while at it.
- I want to stay true to the other person.
- If I take the risks and have the fun, I'll feel like I'm cheating on the other person.
- I don't like being cheated on, let alone BE the one who's cheating.
- This is a real challenge for me.
- My head screams, good thing/person will come for those who wait.
- So like should I wait some more?
- Or do I revert to when I was young and do stupid things again?
- I don't know.

Agenda

I believe that everyone, whatever they say or do, they have an agenda.
I believe that only young children do not have agenda, guess because they have the purest of souls.
As those young children grow older, they know that to get something they want (for us adults too), there must be some kind of plan.
I am not here to judge if having an agenda is good or bad.

Let's see if I can make this example make sense. A lonely person, appears to be very helpful and a very good listener. This lonely person is always available when friends needed them. So, does this person really wants to lend an ear and a helping hand? OR just because they are lonely, they needed to be with any human beings therefore appeared to be a helpful person? So the person's hidden agenda would be, they don't wanna be lonely? Does that make sense to you? I thought about this all the time. Why do I spend time to listen or to talk to ppl? Why would ppl spend they time to listen to me? Is it because we are all lonely ppl? Frankly, I do not believe one does not have a hidden agenda at any given day, hour, or minute. Of course unless you are a two year old child. And I also believe that all human beings are selfish beings. Sometimes, I wonder those ppl who got famous by doing their charitable work. Are they really that selfless? OR because they are hunger for fame?


Do you believe this helping hand is utterly selfless and without any hidden agenda?